Dear-in-the-Headlights!

by Debbie Allen

My husband, Jim, and I were driving to dinner one Friday night; when I noticed her. Just another pedestrian on foot… maybe a stranger-in-passing.  Or so I thought.   As I studied the woman, while waiting at the same stoplight intersection; there was something so familiar about her.  I watched her hunched, figure step down off the curb into the crosswalk with great difficulty; as she wrestled with the reluctant piece of luggage behind her.   In the glow of headlights surrounding her, she turned her head in our direction; just long enough for me to glimpse the dear-in-the-headlights look that overwhelmed her gaunt, expression.  My heart sank.   It was her.  The Lady-with-the-big-blue-suitcase. I couldn’t believe those ragged wheels were even still turning. That battered, blue, suitcase-on-wheels was her trademark.   Sadly enough, over the years it had also become her name.  She’d roamed the city limits with it trailing behind her for over 40 years now…homeless.  Business establishments in the area recognized her by it; teens passing her by on the street taunted her because of it, and policemen identified her by it.  What a great testimony for a piece of luggage; but what an incredibly sad story it tells about the life still towing it behind her.            

“There goes the Lady-with-the-big-blue-suitcase!” I told Jim, with mixed emotions.  I was relieved to see that nothing happened to her after all this time, but saddened by the toll homelessness had taken on her; both physically and mentally. In days gone by, when I saw her crossing a busy street, she’d shake a clenched fist at speeding cars; shouting her own blend of obscenities back at every passing driver. Her brazen behavior, while standing in the middle of the street, added a whole new meaning to the term, road rage. Seriously though… I remember praying for her safety many times over the years. And now, here she was in front of me once more.  It was clear that things had changed for her.  Yelling out colorful words and raising angry fists had long since been replaced by extreme shortness-of-breath and two mis-shaped, weathered hands giving it all they had just to drag the old, blue suitcase up on the curb one more time.   As the stop-light turned green and we pulled away, I watched the Lady-with-the-big-blue-suitcase shuffle down the roadside; her heavy load in tow. My heart ached for her and I found myself praying for her again.  I couldn’t help but wonder what tears and trials and tales of woe may await her in the days up ahead.

 As my husband and I pulled up to the restaurant, my heart was flooded with questions about the Lady-with-the-big-blue-suitcase.  After we ordered our meal, every question once silent inside of me; flooded out into our dinner conversation. 

“What must it be like to live your entire life on the streets, surrounded by a hostile, world of people that turn their heads and pretend they don’t see you; or shake their heads in disgust at the very sight of you? To never hear the words, ‘I love you’…or ‘It’s going to be ok.’ How would it be to never experience the peace of knowing where you will sleep at night…what you will eat…or how you will keep warm, stay cool, or be safe?”

“It’s gotta be tough.” Jim responded, compassionately.

Her dear-in-the-headlight expression continued to haunt me. It was a look of such utter despair.  Her sunken eyes told my heart a silent story of time growing short; in a journey that had grown so long.

“You know,” I told my husband, “…even after seeing this lady around town for over 40 years, I don’t even know her name.  The closest I ever came to our paths even intersecting was while standing in line at a Starbucks, right before management booted her out of the building for having used the facilities for her personal dressing room.”

“Kirsten…” Jim blurted out right after that.

“What did you say?” I responded.

“Her name is Kirsten.”

After I recovered from the shock of Jim knowing the Lady-with-the-big-blue-suitcase’s name; he went on to share with me how a co-worker of his at King Soopers, sat down and spoke with Kirsten one late night, while on a break.  You see, Kirsten was given permission by King Soopers for a short time, to spend the cold winter nights sleeping in a chair at one of the tables near the Delicatessen; as long as she was gone before opening the next day.  It turns out that Kirsten, though homeless for the last forty years, had both a home of her own and a daughter who lived there!  Kirsten shared that she was afraid to go home for fear of being put into a mental institution.  She chose homelessness for most of her life; over living in her own home with family because she feared the lifestyle change that may or may not have come with that choice. Was that fear founded on fact? I don’t know and probably never will. But the reality of that fear in Kirsten’s mind caused her to run in a direction she was never meant to go in. No one knows the depth of the pain and struggle behind Kirsten’s story except God Himself.

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“A decision always accompanies the battles we face— God’s Way or our own.” —Chuck Swindoll–

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 I don’t doubt that His Heart broke every day He looked down and saw Kirsten huddled in a rainstorm, under a make-shift tent on a shopping-center median; eating from a can she opened with a screw driver.  A can, which had been thrown at her by a passing motorist in an attempt to share his indignation with her lifestyle. 

“Get off the streets…you’re nothing but an eyesore in the city!” he’d shouted at her as he sped by.

 The ironic thing about this incident was that the can the angry motorist hurled at Kirsten with the intention of hurting her that day; ended up being the same can that God fed her from later!

Until this night, I hadn’t known the Lady-with-the-big-blue-suitcases’ name.  After Jim shared her name with me, it only seemed to deepen the pain I felt for her all these years. I should’ve been comforted by the fact that I could now pray for her by name.  However, I was haunted by it now.  I lay awake thinking of Kirsten’s dear-in-the-headlight expression…her gaunt face and crippled hands. “What am I to do with this, Lord?” I prayed. 

Within seconds of my asking the question, I heard God Whispering into my heart, “Look deeper, my child.  S-e-e her.”

Puzzling over His words to me, I rehearsed the scene in my mind over and over again. The big, blue, suitcase.  The shell of a human being she’d become over time. I saw a worn-out woman; a mother, who remained nameless to a world that despised her for most of her life. For who she was, for everything she was not; even labeled by a stranger as being a human-eyesore to society.  For her own reasons, Kirsten chose homelessness over having the home that was already hers for the asking.  Instead, fear of what might happen or have to change in her life if she chose home, drove her towards living the vagabond life of the Lady-with-the-big-blue suitcase; and all the tears, trials, and tales of woe that followed her for years on end.

  “It seems to me, Lord, that Kirsten is desperately searching for wholeness in her life…everywhere she turns there are so many broken pieces.”

Then God gently reminded me, “Wholeness cannot be found in a broken world…not without Me.”

Fear drove Kirsten to choose, and even justify, the broken and destitute pathways she walked on for most of her life.  Fear and homelessness dragged her un-mercilessly, down roads that Love and choosing a home and family never would’ve. In her eyes, homelessness was her way of ‘having her own way’…but it was really yielding to the voice of fear telling her that ‘she had no other way.’   

Even now, when I see Kirsten’s hunched figure still dragging the big, blue suitcase up onto another curb; I continue to pray for her. For I’m reminded that with every step Kirsten takes in her arduous, life’s journey; she is still only one phone call away from being rescued from her homelessness. But… she won’t make that call.

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The Lord, our God, urges us to call upon His Name in all seasons: and He will rescue us. (see Psalm 118)

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To this day, I am still haunted by Kirsten’s gaunt expression and the dear-in-the-headlights-stare; but I am also frequently reminded of God’s words to my heart that night, as well.

“Wholeness cannot be found in a broken world…not without Me.”

His words sank deep into my spirit that night, unlocking the truth of why Kirsten’s story touched me so, down through the years.  I realized in that moment, that Kirsten’s dear-in-the-headlights stare haunted me because the Lady-with-the-big-blue-suitcase’s story has, all along, been God’s picture for my heart in this physical world; of what can happen to any one of us in the spiritual realm.  It very clearly reflects what happens to us spiritually, when we choose to go our own way in life…instead of trusting God for the life He’s planned for us, the Rescue Story He longs for us to become a part of, and the eternal Home He promises awaits us;  all for calling out to our Heavenly Father. Your life was meant to be a living declaration of God’s Goodness; a daily reflection of His Glory to the world around you.   I urge you to choose to cease your wanderings, and make the call! Only then will you discover what so many already have…that there really is, no place like Home.

“Call to Me and I will answer you.  I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.”

—Jeremiah 33: 3  MSG—

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PRAYER: Dearest Father in heaven…forgive us! Our world can be such a hostile place for those so near and dear to Your Heart; both the homeless in the physical streets, and the homeless, who are wandering in life as spiritual nomads. Help dear Kirsten to find the courage to call out to You. Keep those without a home spiritually, from pressing on in ignorance of the wholeness You give us for the asking… in exchange for all our broken pieces. We call to You, God. We cry out to You to help us. The psalmist, King David reminds us, “From Your Palace, You hear our cry; and our cry brings us right into Your Presence—a private audience!” (Psalm 18). Our desire to live well can never be fulfilled without You. Restore to us our peace of mind, heart, and soul…continue to guide us in our journey towards Home. In Jesus’ Name…Amen